Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Not sure where to write this, but it is so so heavy on my heart tonight, and I must put it somewhere.

Dear Abby,

Oh my sweet, Abby Grace, with whom I but heads with so many times.  I want your sweet sweet soul and spirit to know that I, your crazy mama, love you to the moon and back. You mean the world to me. You were my first born, my heart beating on the outside of my body, my everything. And you know what? still are.

Tonight for whatever reason, I am having super big mommy guilt. I am feeling terrible for all the times I've raised my voice at you, or hurried you along. I'm feeling miserable and disgusted at myself for the times I didn't spend more "time" with you, when other things were "more important". I am sorry for being upset at you when you spilled your drink, or tore your book, or refused to understand why you put the straight pieces of a puzzle together when you were only 3 or 4. I am so sorry, for every let down and disappointment I have given you in your short lifetime so far. I know there will be others. Just please forgive me for the past and for the future. I am sorry I had to put your every waking moment to the side when Allie came along, with all of her fussiness and sickness and wildness. I know you're not mad at me, I just want you to know that I love you just as much now as I did the day I found out I was pregnant with you.  

You are so so smart. I could never have asked for better. And your heart, oh my goodness, your heart is so kind and open to everyone. It breaks my heart for you when I see that you were hurt by one of your friends, or by your sister, or me, or daddy, or whoever. Your heart is so big, it shows everyone, everywhere. You love God, and that is what's most important.  I pray for that to never leave you. EVER.

I want you to know that I love you so much. So very much. I wish I could crawl into bed with you and hold your not so tiny hand in mine again, as I did when you were a baby. I'll just end up interrupting your sleep. So sleep now, sweet baby girl. You have always been my baby girl, and always will be. Please know that mama loves you, and I'm sorry, and it hope you will always feel the same about me.  You helped make my life complete.

I love you, so much, Abby Grace
Love mama

This is a jumble of fast flying fingers typing with hot tears running down my face. I had to get it out there. I had to appologize. I'll apologize in the morning to her face to face, and ask for the biggest hug I've ever gotten from her, and then she will look at me like I have lost it, but she'll giggle and smile and hug me, because that is who she is. She is my heart, and I love her so very much.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Starting Over?

So, trying to maybe start blogging again.  It's been a LONG time.

I am thinking I may try to do this to just keep my feelings written down - maybe that will help me grieve better, and then so maybe if I need to go back one day and look, it'll all be here.

The girls are now 6 and 3.  After Allie was born, I was done, my life was complete, or so I thought.  She was an extremely fussy baby - screaming for hours non-stop.  After MANY trips to the doctor, without learning anything, we found out she was allergic to milk.  Problem solved for a few months!  Well, quite a few months, other than she was still just a handful.  We managed to get her "better" until about a year ago - HUGE problem, severe abdominal pain, lethargy, literally would not even stand up because of the pain.  After the pediatrician saw her, done some blood work, sent us home, called us back to re-examine, she sent us straight to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta.  She suspected intuccessption.  Basically, this is the twisting of her bowels - would need surgery most likely.  TERRIFIED.  They gave her fluids, checked her out, gave her some pain meds, and sent us home.  I was NOT happy.  Either way, she did great that night, and was almost back to normal the next day.  These episodes last about 5 days before they get "bad" - and then they usually clear up on their own.

That was May 2012.  Fast forward to August - same thing happened while Ben and I were out of town.  This time she did not go to the hospital.  Two weeks later, it happened again, and by the time we got to the ER, she was admitted, had metabolic acidosis, stayed on fluids, potassium  and other vital elements, pain medicines, and she finally got better.  Following up with her pediatric GI, a specialist, one of the best in the southeast, she had to undergo colonoscopy, endoscopy, x-rays, ultrasounds, etc.  Since then, we've had two more attacks, no answers, other than he thinks she has abdominal migraines.

Abby is doing great.  She is in Kindergarten, about to be done.  She LOVES school, and her teachers love her.  She is excelling academically, she is so smart and pretty.  She has a heart for the Lord, and a heart for others.

I became blessed with pregnancy in August - expected due date - May 12, 2013.  Mother's Day.  I am ecstatic   We found out it was a little boy, things were going great.  LOOONG story short, 20 weeks, I had decreased fetal movement, but didn't want to be "that" patient that goes in, worrying about nothing, etc.  22 weeks, at the specialist, found out our sweet boy was very, very small.  He had stopped growing at 20 weeks, and the fluid was very low (no wonder he quit moving!!  He had no room!). The following monday, we received the worst news - he had gone to be with the Lord.  I gave birth January 15, 2013, close to 5pm without pain medicine.  I met my son and told him goodbye in that short time.  I will never regret feeling the pain of a natural delivery.  I will never regret holding his tiny body in my arms.  He was PERFECT.  He was beautiful.  He was mine.  Comfort in knowing that he came from my warm, and protective womb, straight into the arms of Jesus - never to be cold, sick, uncomfortable, unhappy.  He is BLESSED.  He is waiting on me.  I am waiting to see him and hold him again.

Today has been terribly hard for some reason.  I woke up fine this morning, but by 730, driving to work, I am in TEARS.  Cannot tell you why.  The tears do not stop until I get to work at 830.  I hold it together while I'm working.  Lunch went fine, then the rest of the day.  On the way home, more tears.  Just an overall feeling of hopelessness and extreme sadness.  I miss my baby.  I want my baby back.  I don't understand why someone that was one of my best friends, can't even wish me a happy birthday three days ago.  And yet, I'm grieving, and I go to babies r us, and print out her registry for her little baby boy, and manage to still buy her gifts from the heart.  I love her, and am so hurt by her, and just cannot let it go.  I keep telling myself not to worry about her, but it's so hard.  I'm just going to put this out there - I do not care she gets to have a baby, and I don't.  I'm truly happy for her.  I will love my nephew.  I am HURT that someone that is supposed to be there for you, at least check on you, talk to you, even occasionally, doesn't care about you.  That is why I have to distance myself from her.  My heart is breaking over the issue.  I am praying for God to give me the grace to forgive her, and it's so hard!!  I love her, but feel completely betrayed by her.  I know everyone thinks that I can't be there for her b/c she is having a baby, and I'm not. NOT the case.  I have several friends that have had babies since I had Reid, and several that are due any day now.  I feel nothing but joy and happiness for these people!  I could for "her" too, if she would treat me like a decent person.

I know I am rambling.  Trying to just get it out there.  Maybe once I get back on track, updating every few days, I will write more normal.  Sorry.  Just trying to update/speak from the heart to begin with.

Until next time....

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Allie Noel

My sweet little Allie-bug.
You are growing so fast!  Too fast!  You are almost 8 months old, and I simply cannot believe it!
I cannot leave you alone in your swing because you decide to sit straight up.

I can no longer leave you unattended in your bouncer seat - because you literally try to turn and twist until you are falling out - only left because your legs cannot escape the buckles on the strap ... yet.
I now cannot leave you alone for very long in your Bumbo seat - you literally will flip out of it.
You do not crawl yet, but you roll, and roll, and roll.  You will try to climb up the entertainment center, or the legs of the coffee table, using your little legs.  You like to get into Abby's princesses.  And you LOVE paper.  We've had to scrape it out of your mouth - oh, and stickers too!  :)

First 4th of July
We went to Stone Mountain with Uncle Daniel and Aunt Ashley.  A lot of people from church were there too, like Patty and Jon, the Raines, and Matt, Alisha, and Cassy.
You were not scared of the fireworks, but toward the end, you would put your hands over your ears each time one went off.  You never cried during the laser show either.  Finally you fell asleep on my shoulder.

You are soo pretty!  Just as pretty as your big sister.  You get into things more than she did.  You don't cooperate very well when we change your diaper or clothes..., you don't like it when I put a headband/bow on your head - you try to pull it off.  You will laugh at the silliest little things, but it is the sweetest sound in the world.  You like to "love" on us - you give big, open mouth kisses and say aaahhhh.... 

First time sitting in your high chair - which you don't care to do very much, unless there are fruit puffs on the tray (which you love) - by the way - you like to eat - esp. orange veggies - carrots, squash, sweet potatoes are your favorite.  Bananas are your favorite fruit right now. All others, we have to fight with you a little to get you to eat them. 

You play peek-a-boo all by yourself, and it is the CUTEST thing when you take down the cloth or blanket - and you look up with those big blue eyes, and smile...

You LOVE your big sister, Abby.  And she really loves you too.

Abby Grace

My sweet Abby Gracie.  :)
She is so funny and so full of joy.  She makes us laugh every single day, and sometimes scream, and sometimes even cry...
She will not cooperate for pictures lately, which of course drives me nuts!  You know me and pictures...
She went to her very first Braves Game with Daddy and Uncle Daniel, and Grandpa.
She LOVED it - came home tommahawk choppin.
Ben said she did good, other than having to use the bathroom 4 times, (which I told him, she was just bored, and wanted to get up and walk around).
She LOVES to watch "go dawgs" football, baseball, and hunting with her daddy.
She is definately a Daddy's girl right now.

She is also allllll about dance and gymnastics lately.  She started Dance at Kidz In Step this summer, and just a couple of weeks ago, we added gymnastics as well.  She still has her best friend Kailey in her class so they have the BEST time together.  :)
See them below holding hands running around the group - Kailey didn't want to do it by herself, so Abby offered to run with her...
Abby, giving me one of those looks, with Kailey sitting right in front of her

And here is Miss Priss - shaking her thang - totally checking herself out in the mirror....

I havent' been allowed to take pictures in gymnastics yet, but of course I will - one day.  :)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Words from a three and a half year old...

So...busy as usual. Can't ever seem to catch up. Clean one room really well, walk into another one, and it's as if I just threw everything from one room to another. (and NO, i don't do that anymore! There's no "room" for anything much else...) I used to get sooo mad at my mama, well, not mad, but just like any other kid, other than my hubby, and my littlest brother, I didn't like to clean. I'm still that way. Now, I LIKE for things to BE clean, just don't like doing it. When I was in high school, and my brothers were I guess in elementary or middle school? ... I found a quote, and gave it to my mom on a stick it. To this day it hangs on the refridgerator at my mom's house. "Cleaning a house while children are growing is like shovleing snow while it is snowing." It's the truth, though, right?? I'm saying all of this to tell my sweet Abby I'm sorry for telling her to clean up all the time, an to tell mama, that I'm sorry for not cleaning up more.
So Abby is still taking her dance class, and she loves it! She is so funny and her and Kailey (the other little girl I talked about before) are definatly the best of friends.

Abby fell out of her bed last night, and she was crying, and Ben was already in there, so I ask her "well, did you hit anything?" (meaning, did you hit the rail, or the table, or anything like that..) Her response: "yeaaaahhhh, ...sob, sob,..... I hit the flooooooorrrr!!!!"
I couldn't help but laugh. :)

Lately Abby has been swimming a good bit, so, of course, she's walking barefoot around the pool, which has, in turn, made her feet peel a little. Well, tonight we were sitting on the couch, and she kept rubbing my leg with her feet, and I finally just couldn't take it - I said "Abby, quit rubbing my legs - your feet feel all crusty and stuff." She said "Yeah, it's because I eat pizza and watermelon everyday!"

Allie is six months old now. We have fed her rice cereal for the first time the other night and she doesn't seem to like it much. Can't tell if it's the texture or just the taste, but she gets all excited about eating it, then cries because she doesn't want it. Also, she has been sitting on her own a lot more, and its sooo sweet! She'll eventually fall over and cry, but as long as we put her back into the sitting position, she's fine.
Big girl, sitting up on her own!

She plays peek-a-boo alll the time now, too. She'll actually pull the blanket or whatever over her head, and wait until we say something, like "where's allie??" then she'll slowly pull it down until she can see us, then she seems to jerk it really quick with a HUGE smile on her face. :) Love it! She seems to be doing a little better as far as fussiness goes. YAY!!! We go back to the GI specialist tomorrow, so we'll see what he says about her little belly, and we'll see how big she is now. Both of my girls are sooo sweet, and I love them sooo much!
Oh, did I mention she LOVES to suck on her toes?!?!  :)

Ready to eat!!!
First bites at cereal.  Like it??
Yeah, not so much.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Busy, busy...

We have been sooo busy lately! Lots of stuff going on - most importantly, we are SO BLESSED!! Both the girls LOVE each other sooo much. Melts my heart. :)

Allie is a fussy baby :( But we love her none the less. We found out that she has a milk protein allergy and so we've been trying to get that fixed - getting formulas straightened out... Then they put her on reflux medicine - and since then it seems like she has spit up more than she has her entire life! And now, because of the formula, she is constipated. Just lots of tummy troubles... POOR BABY!!!

Abby is such a daddy's girl lately. She has started dance (ballet, tap, and tumbling). She looks so cute. We got to stand in her first class and all of us moms just laughed our heads off! She was sooo funny!!! She made a friend, Kailey, and now her mom and I are friends. I'll have to post pictures of both the girls later.

Some things about Abby Gracie:
- Anytime she introduces herself, it's not just Abby, it's "Abby Grace Malcom".
- She knows how to spell her first name, and can almost write it.
- She is either really loud and outgoing or bashful and "mean" ... for example, many times while we are out, she will say "Mama! I just said hey to that lady, but she didn't say anything back! Why is she in a bad mood?" (I have to remind her to keep it quiet...) Then other times, someone will say hello to her and comment on how cute she is or her little glasses, and she'll look away and give them mean looks.
- This past Sunday at church, she told me she has a "new friend. and he's a boy, momma". Then she told me that she told him her phone number (which was her spelling of her name) and when I told her that wasn't her number, that was how you spell her name, she said "well, can you go tell my new friend what my phone number is so he can call me?" Then we got home and she asked Ben if "her new friend can come over to play." FUNNY
- She is all about disney and princesses right now (what little girl isn't!)
- ...Abby's asleep on the couch, Allie's in the floor playing. Every time Allie makes a noise, Abby yells "HOoold ON!" .... Totally Asleep. It's funny. :)
- Anytime she sees a flag, she calls it an "Obama flag." (She def. knows who our president is...)
- VBS was this past week, also. Abby went into the pre-K class and did just fine. Their little program at the end of the week was cute. She isn't scared of performing...

Some things about Allie:
- at 5 months she weighed 13lbs. 6oz. and was 25inches long
- she can sit up supported, stand supported, and can only sit unsupported for a couple of seconds
- she can roll from her belly to her back, and tries sooo hard to do it the other way
- she is eating Soy formula (after trying many others)
- she still hasn't eaten any baby food yet. (they wont let her)
- I can tell she's interested in eating, though - because she watches me and everyone eat and you can tell she wants some...
- she acts like she is teething - drooling constantly and chewing on EVERYTHING, but no teeth yet - no buds, no swollen gums...
- Memorial day she got into the pool for the first time and screamed like crazy. DID NOT LIKE IT

My girls are great. I love being a mommy to two sweet girls!