Friday, May 3, 2013

Starting Over?

So, trying to maybe start blogging again.  It's been a LONG time.

I am thinking I may try to do this to just keep my feelings written down - maybe that will help me grieve better, and then so maybe if I need to go back one day and look, it'll all be here.

The girls are now 6 and 3.  After Allie was born, I was done, my life was complete, or so I thought.  She was an extremely fussy baby - screaming for hours non-stop.  After MANY trips to the doctor, without learning anything, we found out she was allergic to milk.  Problem solved for a few months!  Well, quite a few months, other than she was still just a handful.  We managed to get her "better" until about a year ago - HUGE problem, severe abdominal pain, lethargy, literally would not even stand up because of the pain.  After the pediatrician saw her, done some blood work, sent us home, called us back to re-examine, she sent us straight to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta.  She suspected intuccessption.  Basically, this is the twisting of her bowels - would need surgery most likely.  TERRIFIED.  They gave her fluids, checked her out, gave her some pain meds, and sent us home.  I was NOT happy.  Either way, she did great that night, and was almost back to normal the next day.  These episodes last about 5 days before they get "bad" - and then they usually clear up on their own.

That was May 2012.  Fast forward to August - same thing happened while Ben and I were out of town.  This time she did not go to the hospital.  Two weeks later, it happened again, and by the time we got to the ER, she was admitted, had metabolic acidosis, stayed on fluids, potassium  and other vital elements, pain medicines, and she finally got better.  Following up with her pediatric GI, a specialist, one of the best in the southeast, she had to undergo colonoscopy, endoscopy, x-rays, ultrasounds, etc.  Since then, we've had two more attacks, no answers, other than he thinks she has abdominal migraines.

Abby is doing great.  She is in Kindergarten, about to be done.  She LOVES school, and her teachers love her.  She is excelling academically, she is so smart and pretty.  She has a heart for the Lord, and a heart for others.

I became blessed with pregnancy in August - expected due date - May 12, 2013.  Mother's Day.  I am ecstatic   We found out it was a little boy, things were going great.  LOOONG story short, 20 weeks, I had decreased fetal movement, but didn't want to be "that" patient that goes in, worrying about nothing, etc.  22 weeks, at the specialist, found out our sweet boy was very, very small.  He had stopped growing at 20 weeks, and the fluid was very low (no wonder he quit moving!!  He had no room!). The following monday, we received the worst news - he had gone to be with the Lord.  I gave birth January 15, 2013, close to 5pm without pain medicine.  I met my son and told him goodbye in that short time.  I will never regret feeling the pain of a natural delivery.  I will never regret holding his tiny body in my arms.  He was PERFECT.  He was beautiful.  He was mine.  Comfort in knowing that he came from my warm, and protective womb, straight into the arms of Jesus - never to be cold, sick, uncomfortable, unhappy.  He is BLESSED.  He is waiting on me.  I am waiting to see him and hold him again.

Today has been terribly hard for some reason.  I woke up fine this morning, but by 730, driving to work, I am in TEARS.  Cannot tell you why.  The tears do not stop until I get to work at 830.  I hold it together while I'm working.  Lunch went fine, then the rest of the day.  On the way home, more tears.  Just an overall feeling of hopelessness and extreme sadness.  I miss my baby.  I want my baby back.  I don't understand why someone that was one of my best friends, can't even wish me a happy birthday three days ago.  And yet, I'm grieving, and I go to babies r us, and print out her registry for her little baby boy, and manage to still buy her gifts from the heart.  I love her, and am so hurt by her, and just cannot let it go.  I keep telling myself not to worry about her, but it's so hard.  I'm just going to put this out there - I do not care she gets to have a baby, and I don't.  I'm truly happy for her.  I will love my nephew.  I am HURT that someone that is supposed to be there for you, at least check on you, talk to you, even occasionally, doesn't care about you.  That is why I have to distance myself from her.  My heart is breaking over the issue.  I am praying for God to give me the grace to forgive her, and it's so hard!!  I love her, but feel completely betrayed by her.  I know everyone thinks that I can't be there for her b/c she is having a baby, and I'm not. NOT the case.  I have several friends that have had babies since I had Reid, and several that are due any day now.  I feel nothing but joy and happiness for these people!  I could for "her" too, if she would treat me like a decent person.

I know I am rambling.  Trying to just get it out there.  Maybe once I get back on track, updating every few days, I will write more normal.  Sorry.  Just trying to update/speak from the heart to begin with.

Until next time....

1 comment:

JustMe said...

I truly can't imagine such pain and having to just keep going, because you must. I believe your blogging will help you. I'm praying for you.
And, I'm so glad to have you in my OBS small group.
Peace my sweet sister!