Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Not sure where to write this, but it is so so heavy on my heart tonight, and I must put it somewhere.

Dear Abby,

Oh my sweet, Abby Grace, with whom I but heads with so many times.  I want your sweet sweet soul and spirit to know that I, your crazy mama, love you to the moon and back. You mean the world to me. You were my first born, my heart beating on the outside of my body, my everything. And you know what? still are.

Tonight for whatever reason, I am having super big mommy guilt. I am feeling terrible for all the times I've raised my voice at you, or hurried you along. I'm feeling miserable and disgusted at myself for the times I didn't spend more "time" with you, when other things were "more important". I am sorry for being upset at you when you spilled your drink, or tore your book, or refused to understand why you put the straight pieces of a puzzle together when you were only 3 or 4. I am so sorry, for every let down and disappointment I have given you in your short lifetime so far. I know there will be others. Just please forgive me for the past and for the future. I am sorry I had to put your every waking moment to the side when Allie came along, with all of her fussiness and sickness and wildness. I know you're not mad at me, I just want you to know that I love you just as much now as I did the day I found out I was pregnant with you.  

You are so so smart. I could never have asked for better. And your heart, oh my goodness, your heart is so kind and open to everyone. It breaks my heart for you when I see that you were hurt by one of your friends, or by your sister, or me, or daddy, or whoever. Your heart is so big, it shows everyone, everywhere. You love God, and that is what's most important.  I pray for that to never leave you. EVER.

I want you to know that I love you so much. So very much. I wish I could crawl into bed with you and hold your not so tiny hand in mine again, as I did when you were a baby. I'll just end up interrupting your sleep. So sleep now, sweet baby girl. You have always been my baby girl, and always will be. Please know that mama loves you, and I'm sorry, and it hope you will always feel the same about me.  You helped make my life complete.

I love you, so much, Abby Grace
Love mama

This is a jumble of fast flying fingers typing with hot tears running down my face. I had to get it out there. I had to appologize. I'll apologize in the morning to her face to face, and ask for the biggest hug I've ever gotten from her, and then she will look at me like I have lost it, but she'll giggle and smile and hug me, because that is who she is. She is my heart, and I love her so very much.

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